by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
