he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
