Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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