my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
