the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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