Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
