Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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