I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
