Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
we should paint friendship bongs
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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