i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
