im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
