On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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