I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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