Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
