ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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