So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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