i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
