her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
