Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
