If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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