i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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