Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't deserve a penis
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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