he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
So many bounce houses so little time
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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