Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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