I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
sex in a hospital.. check
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
