Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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