he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
