I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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