I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
try to milk me bitch
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