all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
