An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Pants are for mortals
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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