Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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