I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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