She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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