i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
