i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
