I can't watch pbs sober anymore
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
