I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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