I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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