batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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