you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you would pick up someone in the library
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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