The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Hippo gnu deer
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
