Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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