This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
