Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
