just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
