Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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