Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
