Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
