Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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