Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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