end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Sponge bath it is.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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