so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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