Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
