1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
