she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
